Yeah I couldn't see straight but my thoughts were surprisingly clear

Two weeks ago: On the way home from work, I was actually pretty upset. Like kind of crying and wondering how, emotionally, I allowed myself to get to the position I currently find myself in. On the level of, oh, what a predicament.

I think I felt the widest range of emotions I've endured in quite a while. It went from sadness to fury to remorse to a zen-like calm and a steel resolve. Seriously, a lot to run through in roughly 15 minutes. What almost made me feel better was going to Applebee's by myself and having a couple of beers and some mini cheeseburgers. Eventually, I sauntered home around 1:15 a.m. and then set upon a little project I envisioned for myself. It was gratifying and maybe even therapeutic. I feel like I put a lot of thought into it and executed it about as well as someone named Jon-Michael could be expected to. My hope is that it does not go unappreciated...it certainly will not go unnoticed, unless by divine intervention.

It's quite funny and subsequently sad that there are no idols in my life any more. No one is my hero, there is no one I put up on a pedestal, etc. I mean, maybe those are things we do as children and it's a phase to grow out of. But even though children believe in foolish things, it's still better than the alternative. The other cool part of being a kid is when you screw up, people chalk it up to you being young and think it's cute.

When you're an adult, screw ups and misspoken words are no longer cute. You learn they hurt people and there's no such thing as a quick fix. You also learn that, in most cases, the people you hurt and the people who hurt you are the ones closest to you. It's understandable but the reality is overwhelming to accept at times.

Postscript: I wrote everything above this about two weeks ago as the first sentence alluded to. I'd like to say that I've become a little bit of a better person and have spent time with the people who mean the most to me in life. Not everything in life sucks but there are times where you have to sort through the rubbish to get to the good part.

Thoughts for tonight: I'm going to go shower, run to the post office, hang with my brother for about an hour, go to Ocala and have dinner with a special friend then hit karaoke at the Common Grounds in Gainesville tonight. Overall, I am pretty excited about the vast potential this evening holds. Oh, and I'm like a boss.

Who are you trying to fool?

So one of the more frustrating aspects of life, I am finding out, is attempting to set up a doctor's appointment.

I called three different places and I guess none of them have receptionists because I got each one's answering machine. I only left a message with one and I know doctors are usually busy, so I wasn't expecting to talk to him/her over the phone in the middle of the day.

I just couldn't fall asleep last night. I didn't end up nodding off until 5 or 5:30 in the morning and I didn't wake up until like 10 minutes to 2, which immediately put me in somewhat of a foul mood. I got my pre-work internet stuff done and then showered and headed to work.

Before I left my house, I found out that Harry Kalas passed away. For those of you who don't know Mr. Kalas, we was the voice of the Philadelphia Phillies and had just began his 38th season in the booth. If you've ever had the pleasure of listening to Kalas yell "Outta Here!" after a home run, you would understand why today is a sad day. That is a part of life that I will never get used to dealing with. It's not like I feel a family member passed away today, yet this guy was an institution in my life. I'll never be able to watch or listen to the Phillies without thinking about Kalas. He is all I know as a broadcaster for one of my favorite teams.

I guess I am happy that he got to see the Phillies win another World Series before he left.

On another note, I would like to regain my candidness soon. Without it, I feel toothless. However, I feel at the point in my life that I have a stupid mouth that says stupid things at the worst times. Finding a balance should be interesting and ultimately rewarding.

It is difficult to watch someone you care about live their life seemingly happily without you. Not to be selfish in that sense because I wish the people I care about happiness and even like to be a part of it when I can. Yet what if they are happier because you have taken a reduced roles in their life? Hmmmmm....

The future freaks me out

Lately, I have been thinking about my life outside of the next day, week or month. Being in the newspaper business, I know that this particular ride can only last so long.

So what is my next career or backup plan or whatever I decide to call the ensuing phase of my work schedule? I was reading the Parade insert out of the sunday paper and saw that speech therapists make decent money and it sounds like something I would be interested in doing. I would like to be in a line of work where I am making a positive impact every day on people. Either by helping them rebuild their lives or even achieve their dreams.

It's not that I just want to help people so I can feel good about myself. I just know I am lucky to be where I'm at, even though it's not that high on the food chain and would like to pay it back or forward. It all depends what angle one sees the object from, I suppose.

I tried to lay down for sleep around 3 but it was warm in my room even with the ceiling fan on at full blast. So I figured it I were going to be awake anyhow, I may as well turn the air on for a half hour and write. Then shut the air off, go to bed and fall asleep before it gets warm again. When I am warm, I sometimes get itchy and this is one of those night.

Regardless of my relationship status, I think I am going to try to go to Atlanta this summer. From what I hear, it is just a cool place and I really, really want to see the Georgia State Aquarium, which is arguably the largest one in the world, I thought I heard. Also, the zoo in Atlanta is supposed to be good along with the World of Coca-Cola, CNN tour and the nightlife is also good, says my sources, who only agreed to speak to me on conditions of anonymity.

My goal is to be back in a collegiate classroom by August. I could see myself being a teacher or a speech therapist. Or maybe just the rapist.

Right now, I definitely feel as if I'm getting a dose of my own medicine.

Learning self control has never been so easy

I'm trying not to be the gluttonous pig I've been in the past. Today for instance, I had waffles, a yogurt and a small glass of orange juice for lunch and then a ham sandwich, chips and a gatorade for dinner. Oh, and M&M's. I know that still sounds bad but I'm changing my habits a little bit at a time and I don't feel as weighted down as I usually would eating a lot of meat and drinking soda or beer.

Anyhow, trying to make changes or exhibiting self control is difficult in any facet of life when you've been living a certain way for a while. Sometimes a person will ask you to do something that is very hard but you know that it would be for the best, so you try even though your urges tell you to do the exact opposite.

For people like me, however, I try to control myself but actively search for loopholes, hopefully not pissing the person off in the process. Or asininely activating assimilation in alliteration. But you get my point.

My mom announced that she didn't feel like cooking this year, so we are going to Cody's for dinner before I have to go to work. Yes, I am working Easter Sunday. The other thing I don't understand is that Christmas is a paid holiday but Easter is not? Wow, I guess Landmark believes is Jesus' birth but are still skeptical about the whole resurrection part of the ordeal.

I am working through Tuesday and then (somehow) I have five days off in a row, including my sister's wedding this coming Saturday.

I would really like to go to a concert soon. As a matter of fact, Fall Out Boy is playing at UCF with special guest 50 Cent. The tickets are in the neighborhood of $25-30 and it is in the outskirts of what most people would consider Orlando. I'm going to call up my homeboy Ryan and see if he'd be down for going, especially since he lives about a mile from the arena.

For the record, I am done with work after an early deadline and am heading to my buddy Andy's house to go watch a boxing match. Peace.

A typical day

So let me take you (or really myself) through what my day off was like.

I awoke right around 2 p.m. Well, I woke up closer to 1 p.m. but had to convince myself today was worth leaving my bedroom for. I somehow decided it was and promptly got up and sat in my underwear to play video games on my couch.

After about 30 minutes of that, I came to the conclusion I was hungry and made myself an Egg McMuffin, an apple and some orange juice. Instead of bacon, I used sliced deli ham on the sandwich.

Eventually, my brother came over after getting home from school. He decided, after seeing me sitting around in boxers, that he wasn't feeling the scene and went to his house for a little bit. I went to grab my mail and received nothing of particular interest...except a notice that Bank of America saw fit to raise the interest rate on my credit card four percent and also make it a variable rate. I owe a little more than $100 on it and they gave me the option to decline the new rate as long as I didn't charge anything more to it. So I called the number, declined and proceeded to cut the card up.

After that, partially because I was disgusted and partially because I had been meaning to, I called Sears and cancelled that credit card as well. The only reason I got the Sears card was to buy my flat-screen tv with no interest for 18 months and I had already paid that off, so I saw no reason to keep it.

So then it was a little after 4 p.m. and I called a doctor I found through my health insurance network. I got her answering service and was told (rudely I thought) to call back tomorrow. I don't know, sometimes I feel people are short with me. I'm not sure if it is imagined or real.

I took a shower at about 4:15 even though I hadn't really done anything. For me with showers is the way people are about their morning coffee. I could shower the night before but I still wake up and don't consider my day started unless I let myself be beaten for 10 minutes with steaming hot water. After my shower, I was definitely in a better mood about the rest of the day. 

I then put some clothes in the laundry and went through all the papers on my table, threw away expired coupons, looked over love letters, organized and kept important stuff. My brother came back over again at some point and we made the decision to go to the park to play basketball. 

Anyhow, I was shooting the ball really well today. I'm not a bad shot normally but I was probably nailing 2 out of every 3 shots I took, including from 3-point land. The only problem was after about 45 minutes or an hour, I couldn't really play any more. I think I took so many shots that my neck was stiff from continuously looking up to shoot. Either way, we played one game and my team won, so I guess that perked me up a little.

Following that, I took my brother home and we threw the football around a little bit. Unfortunately, the annoying little kids that live next to my mom came over and broke up our football throwing after about 30 seconds. They first wanted to join in and then after that were trying to convince us we should throw around a hacky-sack instead of the football. Usually, I'm pretty easygoing when it comes to children but maybe it was being a little depressed and tired...I just couldn't do it. I booked after about 10 minutes and went home. The best part was getting in a few passes with Kenneth though. Perhaps it was from the basketball playing but I felt as light as a feather gliding down the street and running under some of the bombs my brother uncorked.

I was quickly brought back to reality, however, when I misstepped on one route and my left knee nearly buckled. I didn't get hurt but it is clicking now when I sit with my legs folded. If I weighed about 30 lbs. less and exercised more regularly, I doubt events like this would occur.

That was the beginning and end of the active part of my day. I came home and cooked a cheese calzone for dinner, finished off a gatorade and had some granola bars. I played video games, thought about how I am responsible for my own life sucking and then deciding to let people know that my life is really as boring as they suspected.

Oh yeah, I also watched In Bruges with Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes and Brendan Gleeson. It's about two hitmen who are told to hide out in Bruges, Belgium after one of them accidently kills a small child during a job. I really am not a fan of Farrell at all but he was extremely likable in this movie. He plays an Irishman, which he actually is. I won't give the movie away but it was entertaining and has sort of a surprise ending. It's one of the few movies on Netflix I've gotten lately that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Maybe I should watch more foreign films. The movie was shot on location in Belgium and had a decidedly European feel.

Attention: awkward transition upcoming.

My biggest fault as a person in a list of many is that I am not a creator, I am a destroyer. It's not enough that everything is good at points in my life. If I can't make it better, I seem to only want to make it worse. If you've gotten this far, you deserve a round of applause. Yet you're probably also wondering why I am this way? Well, I don't know myself but I intend to get to the bottom of it.

I had a perfectly beautiful, loving, smart, insert another 100 superlatives here, girlfriend that would have run through a brick wall for me. So I repaid over three years of us working to maintain our relationship by unceremoniously dumping her even though I knew I still loved her and most likely could spend the next millenium scouring the Earth for someone better and failing miserably.

So I am stuck in the unenviable position of having irreversably hurt the one person who knew me and cared about me more than anyone in the world and no amount of pleading, begging, appealing is going to get me out of this one.

In a way, I am glad from the perspective that she certainly deserves to have a more stable presence in her life. I don't want to keep dragging her back into a relationship and letting her down yet again. 

On the other hand, I know if she were to ever marry someone else or have children with someone other than me (as sick as it sounds), a part of me would die, crumble, disinegrate, cease to exist. I feel like a monster to think that but that doesn't bother me as much as the realization of two paragraphs ago.

I've already noticed it in subtle ways. I don't have anyone to talk to online when I wake up most days. I don't have anyone who regularly e-mails me or calls me just to see how my day is going. I realize how I've never had a person that I've been so close to or even if I never dated said person, how good of a friend someone could actually be.

I have immediate relatives that didn't treat me as well as Alison did and I honestly don't know why, at this stage of my life, I can't see the repercussions of my actions before I commit them, It makes me ill and, like I said, this is make-or-break time for me. The love of a great woman is pretty fucking rare and I can ill afford to fall into a pattern of stupidity. I don't want to have these issues with me the rest of my life. I would like to be a stable person a woman can rely on consistently. I haven't always been a shitty boyfriend.

Enough about that for now. I deleted my facebook and my space. They were spectacular timewasters and I also realized that the people I most wanted to keep in touch with must have felt the same way because they rarely contributed. I thought for a few days if I started sending messages and updating more often, then it would be more fun. Conversely, it wasn't. My Space in particular, all I got on there any more was spam.

My sister's wedding is coming up soon and I'm happy for her and want to be there to support her. It's just so unbelievable though. I can't believe someone I know is getting married. I'm 27 and realized this is a natural step in life. But my mom or dad were never married to each other or anyone else during my lifetime. I've only been to three weddings, two of which were for people I actually knew. The third I went as the date of an ex-girlfriend and actually had a great time. Weddings can be pretty fun I guess. 

I like what my sister is doing in the sense of having only like 50 people invited. If I could get away with it, I would try to have less. 

Recently, I've been listening to Flobots a lot. They're an alternative hip-hop band from Denver that is pretty politically charged and differently musically than a lot of bands I've heard. I mean, there's some violin and trumpet mixed in there and my brother is convinced there is also french horn. I'm dubious about his proclamation because he's 16 and I'm not sure he's heard a french horn. About this, like many other things, I could be entirely wrong.

If you've actually read this far, I'd suggest listening to a song by them called Handlebars. It's not new music or anything, I think it came out in late 2007 or 2008. I just recently heard it, so it's new to me.

So that is what is going on in my life. I want to thank myself and blogger.com for allowing me to vent. Good luck and good night.

Blogging in obscurity

I write more for myself than any other person yet I often wonder about how people feel about my thoughts or even the process?



Things are just moving along right now. It's almost like a metamorphisis of sorts in the sense that my life hasn't changed yet but events are already in motion that will most definitely alter the outcome soon enough.



Letting people know what is truly on my mind is something I am quite terrible about. I feel like the only time I can be truly blunt is when I am frustrated or no longer fear the repercussions of my words. Neither of those instances come up often enough.



I am working this weekend. My plans to go to Orlando fell through most unfortunately, however, I definitely don't blame Ryan, who is working his ass off in order to graduate in May.



The one feature I love about this blog is it has an auto-save and also you can go back later and finish it without having to first publish it. My regular musings aren't all that great, so you can imagine how they read when only half-baked.

My biggest concern right now is prioritizing what is truly important in my life and working on fixing it. I have a severe problem in the sense that I still love a girl who I basically broke up with due to my own laziness. In the current state I'm in, I don't deserve anyone. Even if I rectified the situation and gave everything some time, it still could be just one too many times I jumped off the deep end...and ultimately, for what?

As a human being, one of my biggest faults is overreacting to things erractically. Like using a nuke to kill an ant.

Keep on keepin' on!

Here are some housekeeping items, so naturally they will be put in as numbered notes:

1. I feel like I am ready to move on to the next set of challenges in my life. Exactly what those entail, I do not know at the moment. But it kind of dawned on me today while I was covering boys weightlifting.

Outwardly, my job is a piece of cake at times, others it can be kind of hellacious. I am thankful to have a job in the current climate (which I believe is set at about 87 below celsius), but sometimes I ask myself what am I doing? I've already come to the conclusion that I will not be a writer for the next 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years of my life, yet I suppose I haven't been extremely proactive.

I think (besides the hours) my job gives me too much flexibility and enough fun to keep me from pursuing something more worthwhile or fulfilling. Honestly, I can say I love Citrus County and am entirely grateful to Gerry Mulligan and Andy Marks for even giving me a chance to work here full-time in a permanent capacity. I know nothing is permanent but I worked here in a temporary full-time capacity for about 3 months about 18 months before I got hired for good in September 2005.

2. This weekend, I (hopefully) get to hang out with my friend Ryan in Orlando. I now say hopefully because he had an unexpected snafu in a year-end project he needs to complete in order to graduate and live a happy life. I am trying to remain selfless but it would be a bit of a disappointment because I'm looking forward to hanging with Ryan.

3. Although I've tried to tell people I think I would like to be single for the time being, it hasn't stopped them with thinking of people to set me up with. The best one I have to say is from my cousin Andrew. A friend of his has a friend (great) who he described as 29 years old, single, hot and fun. The only problem is her name, which is the same as a friend of my ex-girlfriend's daughter. I swear life is hilarious. Just when you think you've heard or seen it all, you quickly get put back in your place.

Fix me in 45...

Like always, I think I am going to avoid the real issue at hand and talk about some periphreal stuff instead.

I hung out with my cousin Andrew today. He is a great guy in a lot of ways. I guess I just get frustrated when he asks me to do things that I want no part of and somehow I still feel obligated to do it. In the long run, it's nothing too big but I don't see myself as a person who makes a habit out of lying. So to be asked to do so really sticks in my craw.

I feel we've both hit a crossroads though. We're both still relatively young but from talking to him, neither of us seems particularly happy. It's hard to pinpoint a reason why really. Maybe dreams unfulfilled. There is still time, however.

My sister's wedding is on April 18 and I am extremely excited for her. In a small way, it also feels like a benchmark of where I am at as far as maturing and, boy, do I feel woefully underdeveloped! I recently turned 27, broke up with my girlfriend of over three years and currently feel, oh, about a minimum of 10 years away from even getting married and I'm on the fence about having children. In so many ways, I am an enormous toddler. 

I got to play with a 2-year-old today and it was one of the most fun times I have had in a while. At the same time, when it was time for him to go back to his parent, I definitely found myself relieved. But the spark is at least there. I just feel like the world sucks right now to bring any new people into. But that would be letting countries like India and China win. That's why our population is not growing very fast here and even the growth is not among people who I feel represent me. That is not even a racially motivated sentiment. It's more that poor and uneducated people seem to be the ones having children. I'm only slightly poor and somewhat educated, so if I were to have children, maybe I'm afraid of what category they'd fall into. If they'd be part of the problem or the solution.

I would like to visit new and exotic places but I don't know if I have the mental or emotional capacity to truly appreciate what I would be experiencing. I used to think I would want to take a trip to, let's say, England or France while I was still young. But I know I would get over there, not know what to see, what to do, feel out of place and miss the entire point. Plus, I don't imagine that to be the type of trip I take alone and currently, I am, so...

I am off tomorrow and I feel great about that prospect. Who knows if I will get called in or something, yet as of now, I am free. 

Literal dreams this time

Last night was the first time in a while I had a vivd dream and actually remembered it. Unofrtunately, because some of the dream is ridiculous, I'm going to speak more abstractly about what I think the dream meant.

First off: The dream was a mismatch of past, present and (maybe) future. You know how sometimes you look at something and it reminds you of a place you grew up, even though it's not 100 percent the same? That happened.

The short story is I was staying in a hotel of sorts but it was weird because the layout of the place I was in reminded me of the two side-by-side bedrooms we had when I lived in Houston, Tx. on Glenway.

Except this time, one of the bedrooms was a bathroom, one I know I haven't been in before. When I opened the bathroom door, there was a bar next to the room and straight ahead, it reminded me of the food area off the casino floor of Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas.

The bizarre part is certain people were in my dream who have never been there before and were acting in a way inconsistent with how they would in real-life. So even though it was a very realistic dream, I still knew it was one as I was having it.

The odd part is I'm trying to take a shower as people keep walking into the room, either trying to use the toliet or just sitting around eating nuts and trying to strike up a conversation. I guess there's one other part of the dream I am leaving out, but it's personal and isn't crucial to the plotline in my mind. Well, it depends on what angle I look at it from but I believe the personal part happened because of glorious events that transpired the night before (i.e. a great date with Alison, Gators winning BCS championship.)

Anyhow, I know it's vague and I'm writing this more for myself than anything else. I wonder if the invasion of privacy aspect of my dream happened because I felt like I was doing something I shouldn't have been? I guess I will never know.

Dreams for a new millenium

I think I got tagged at roughly the same time by Alison and Laura, so I guess they each get a full point. You thought I was going to say a half-point but I'm feeling awfully generous.

I'm not tagging anyone else though because I don't know seven people who haven't done this and I'm morally against imposing my will on other people, unless it is dinner time and two of my co-workers can't decide where they want to eat. On to the rules!

* Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.

* Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.

* Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

* Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on his or her blog.

1. As a child, I moved around a lot. It was to the same three states though (NJ, FL, TX) and I lived in several places on more than one occasion. And, no, my family was not in the military! Thanks for asking!

2. My favorite food in the world is an authentic, hot, soft pretzel with spicy brown mustard, preferably from a dirty guy selling them out of a metal shopping cart in Philadelphia. A little specific, sure, but it makes a difference.

3. I have owned two pets in my lifetime: a pair of goldfish when I was four or five. One of them died and my mom and I flushed it down the toilet. The next day, I flushed the live one down the toilet and that was effectively the end of pet ownership for a young Jon-Michael. I have not been in charge of a pet since, but I would very much like to be. In fact, I have the general idea of exactly what I'd like: two medium-sized female dogs and they have to be sisters, a black male cat with somewhat of an attitude, a female ferret with a name that sounds like she could have been a member of the Beatles (or at least lived in Ireland) and some fish thrown in for good measure. The fish are important, because I need a shot at redemption.



4. My biggest pet peeve in life is hearing the same story or stories over and over again. My mom is the most colossal perpetrator of this heinous crime. I'd rather my mom just recite shit she heard off the news every day than hear about how she bought some piece of second-hand furniture for the fifth time. I try not to be a jerk but if I told you I already heard that story before and I don't seem interested, don't keep going.

I sincerely love my mother, but another thing she does that drives me loopy is this: She calls me on the phone and I say something like, "Hey, I am busy or I really can't talk to you right now." Her response to this 90 percent of the time is to keep talking like she never heard me say I have to go. The other 10 percent, she just asks," Oh, really?" and THEN keeps talking. Hilarious, quirky, tenacious...folks, that's my mom!

5. One of my favorite things to do is go on a website called gametz.com

It is a pretty simple message board-type site where people trade games and other items. It combines three of my favorite aspects of life: video games, bartering and bullshitting with other people. There is a guy on there named Masterchief06 who is a pretty big tool but I can't help but be in the chatroom and say ridiculous things to him like, "Can I trade you a dollar for your dignity?" and before he can answer, say, "Oh wait, you lost that a long time ago."

I may be petty and childish at times but I thought that was what the internet is for?

6. I have two humongous fears. They are dying alone and turning out like my father. The dying alone is self-explanatory in my mind and something I doubt any logical human being wants. The thing with my dad is a little more complicated.

I know my mom wasn't a saint and it takes two people to make a relationship work, but here are two trump cards she has over anything my dad can use as an excuse for why I went 15 years without seeing him.
A.) My mom raised me pretty much alone with some peripheral help from my grandfather (R.I.P.)
B.) My mom has always been honest with me about everything. I've seen the best and worst of her and I don't think there is a single thing my dad could really tell me about her that would surprise me outside of, "Your mom pulled Carrot Top out of a burning house in 1983."
So when he tries to explain his side, I might shake my head and act like I understand. However, I really don't. My brother Kenneth is my half-brother and I couldn't ever imagine going 15 years without seeing him for any reason, so think about how I'd feel about my own children! Therefore, outside of a genuinely heart-felt apology or admittance that he was wrong, I don't want to hear excuses. There's a small part of me that wants to forgive and forget, but an even bigger part that just wants to ask him once and for all, "At what point did you think this was a good plan at all?"

My mom doesn't realize it but she's pushed me to accomplish things in my life. They may not seem significant and I might not always show my infinite gratefulness. I should tell her this Christmas in the card I'll give her. I hate to always feel like I'm complaining about my mom. The one wish I had is that she knew how to take the proverbial foot off the gas when it comes to pushing me. Because I don't push back, I tend to fly off the edge.

7. Man these things are getting longer and longer, aren't they? The last one should be a pretty good one, right? Something that I have thought about or dreamt about over the years and not talked about to anyone...I can almost feel people leaning forward in anticipation, with baited breath, to watch this revelation unfold. It's not that big of a deal, really.

When I was in 7th grade, we moved to Cypress, TX, which was basically a suburb of Houston. We lived in a quiet subdivision and there were lots of other kids around and it was awesome. My best friend lived like four or five doors down and his name was Kevin Carlson. We were around the same height (sadly, i was like 5'2 or 5'3 when i was 13 and wouldn't grow much more) but couldn't have looked more unlike. He had shaggy blonde hair and blue eyes and sounded like he was from Texas. Me, well, you know. Anyhow, it's not anything gay, but over the years, I've had dreams of meeting up with him when we were both older. The weird thing, though, is we both clearly recognize each other but neither of us will approach the other or do anything else to admit we know each other! It doesn't make any sense!

Anyhow, that was it as far as that dream goes. But what I remember about Kevin is we both loved basketball more than pretty much anything. He had a hoop in his driveway and I'm pretty sure we wore the net out from shooting on it all the time. When I was growing up, basketball was the common denominator by which I made friends. Like I'm not over-exaggerating at all.

I met my best friend Jose in an art class in 8th grade and we were kind of enemies. He challenged me to a game of basketball, we played, he beat me (we'd have many epic games over the years) and we were almost inseperable after that. I was the best man at his wedding for crying out loud. The funny thing was that basketball was a common bond I shared with most of my friends growing up but the way I first got good at shooting a basketball was because I was kind of a lonely kid sometimes with all the moving we did. It's not always easy to immediately make friends and when I moved to Houston on my ninth birthday, I spent the first however many months sneaking into the YMCA and shooting baskets for hours by myself. Sometimes I would play games with other people but I remember just shooting over and over again. It's seriously like riding a bike. I can pick up a basketball right now and it would feel natural in my hands. It might take me a little to warm up and regain my shot, but it has always felt like it was there.

I'm not great at basketball by any means but I can usually hold my own. The most common response I get is, "He's a lot better than I thought he'd be." Not that that is a ringing endorsement. I'm a short, awkward, unathletic-looking person. I know this. In fact, there aren't too many situations where I feel natural and at ease. But when I have a basketball in my hands, a good basketball (a leather Spalding), my senses all leap a little, I am redeemed and I hear a symphony in my head.

To end this blog, I am making a resolution right now. I am putting my good basketball on the back floorboard of my truck and going to find my pump and needle and put that in my truck too. I want to be a step away from always starting a pickup game, any time, any place.

That is a shitload of money for quite possibly the stupidest idea I've ever heard in my entire life.

I'm pretty burned out on sports right now. So instead of watching the Florida-Tennessee game tomorrow, I'm gonna go ride some rollercoasters. I'm not the biggest fan ever of Sheikra, but it's going to make me its bitch tomorrow, probably more than one time.

See, that's the kind of thing that happens when you're rolling with Alison Scott. You think about what your threshold as a human being is and then you burst right past that barrier. It's pretty cool actually.

My life is not defined by any one things. There are aspects I enjoy like sports, yet I'll be damned if I ever let anything control my thought process. Not even thought of sexual intimacy are going to do that!

I haven't really been playing video games very much lately. For some of you (Alison), you'd think that that means down to three hours a day.

In all honesty, we're talking once every three days maybe. I did play Guitar Hero 3 two days in a row to ruin that average a little. But since I'm the one writing this p.o.s., let me clarify. I see GH3 as part of my music listening. I like playing "Possum Kingdom" by The Toadies, not because it's the most fun or challenging song but because I like it.

My favorite Guitar Hero song to play is either "YYZ" by Rush or "3s & 7s" by Queens of the Stone Age. There are two songs I detest hearing or playing and those are "Surrender" by Cheap Trick and "I Love Rock and Roll" by Joan Jett. That would be because my mom and Alison wore out those two songs respectively.

Anyhow, Game Night is going to be tons of fun as well. Those are my favorite, a time where a select few of us come together and leave the world's problems behind us and put silly board games, food and sometimes a little drinky-drink in front of us.

Taste my lightning.

Sometimes life is just life

Sometimes everything feels connected and other times, nothing does. It's either utter order or complete chaos.

I think the mark of someone who has truly learned from their mistakes is this: all people make mistakes during their youth. But do you learn from your past transgressions and become what is known as an "adult"? Or is it just a case of same shit, different day?

I know I'm sick and tired of the latter and I still haven't really embraced the former. So where does that leave me? In some mid-20s purgatory, maybe? Perhaps a limbo of some sorts?

When I write about my feelings, it is never with the intent to hurt anyone else. Yet when you've experienced a lot of different things and know that something you thought was this then is no longer that now, it's sobering for all parties involved.

I know from my experiences what I want out of life but on the other hand, I ponder whether or not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with can truly hope to know if that is what she really wants as well? It's not a case of doubt in my mind, I just know where I was at when I was 23 and either she's a much better, more introspective person than I ever was or maybe that's what comes through when our lives become emotional.

It's tough to talk in such vague terms but I want to let people know that the gears in my head are turning but not exactly what is being produced at all times. Every time I think I'm headed in some direction, I just get a little stymied by the overwhelming feeling that this is it.

That for the immediate future, I have such mundane things to look forward to like reading a sports magazine that comes every Wednesday or getting excited when someone responses to a trade I offered in a fantasy football league. I feel like I should be investing in something more substantial.

It's always been hard to explain to normal people the allure of Las Vegas to me. I think it's because Vegas is the polar opposite of my life. I'm not implying I'm a timid person, I don't think anyone who knows me would use that word to describe me. But I do feel reserved in a lot of ways, going through a daily grind.

The bright lights, fine dining, drinking, gambling, shows and overall debauchery that takes place when I'm in Vegas appeals to me in the sense that that is not how I want to live every day of my live. But every three months, it's a pretty damn nice change of pace. I'm not sure if it's a phase or something that will always be in my blood to some extent.

Contrary to what some people have presented to me in private conversations, I don't go to Vegas to have meet women or have sex. As odd as this may sound, that's not really what Vegas is to me. I like playing blackjack while drinking a beer, being at a really good table where everyone is having a good time.

I like going and eating scallops, crab legs, prime rib and a bunch of other things that probably aren't great for you in mass quantities.

I like seeing comedians or gravity-defying performances.

Those are all things you can do in every-day, ho-hum life. I'm not impying my life is insufferable, just that it's nice to have a break from it every now and again.

When I get married, I'm never going to think about having a divorce. But going away for a few days a year to have a vacation or something by myself is going to appeal to me still because that s the kind of person I am. I don't want to be around anyone 24/7/365 and that is something I already know is going to be a challenge for me when I marry.

People ask me, "How can you go to Vegas alone?" Read the above paragraph and you'll see why pretty easily. It's not that I'm antisocial or unfriendly. Sometimes I like having no plans or not worrying what someone else wants to do.

I like going to the movies alone for that reason. When that happens, I see what I want 100% of the time. I don't have to worry about sitting through something for two hours that I know going in I'm not interested in.

I also know that isn't how life does or even should work. Always being gratified at the expense of others is not right, just like always yielding to the requests of others isn't.

I'm really beginning to ramble and I lost any sense of direction I had but I'm not reading this before I post it because I don't want to edit my own thoughts.

The boy who cried wolf and other stories I tell myself at night

There come proverbial crossroads in life. Not like what I should eat today or if I'm going to Las Vegas for an eighth time. No, these are the kind like, "Do I want to put in the hard work to show a girl that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her despite my past actions?"

That's a fantastic question and one I already know the answer to. Knowing what Point A and B are, though, are completely different than knowing how to get from one to the other. As I'm sure others can attest to, it's probably one of the more sobering realities to face when the one person who you could tell anything to and really leaned on more than you ever let on gets hurt by you and no longer makes herself available.

This time, it wasn't a case of me just coming to the conclusion that it was another bump in the road. This time when I messed up, I actually looked back at my whole history of relationships from the time I was 18 and saw one common link: Whenever I get too comfortable and the relationship is ready to move into the realm of greater committment, I'm like an elephant in a china shop who's seen a mouse. I get freaked out and start breaking up everything beautiful in sight. In the past, it wasn't as much of a problem because I was with girls who I really didn't see a long-term future with.

Now here is a girl I know in my heart and soul I want to be with for the rest of my life. It really is different this time and one of the ways I know this is because every time I screw up, all I want to do is make it all up to her. In the past, if I screwed up with a girl I didn't really care about, I'd just shrug my shoulders and not worry about it.

The difficult part is going to be keeping vigilant in the face of utter disinterest, I'm not saying my efforts to show her I care are working or not working. But I'd never know from her because I'm getting the stonewall of my life put up before me. Any interaction I've had is like being in a doctor's office and having his assistant coldly ask you what your symptoms are. I don't blame her for acting this way, yet it definitely kills me inside to know someone who unconditionally loved me was treated in such a way by me that she feels the need to be cold and composed.

Luckily for me (I guess), a flame still burns and it truly is stronger than ever. And you might be thinking, well what is truly different this time? I said earlier that I looked back on all my interactions with women since I was 18 and I know if I treat this girl like any other one, I deserve to lose her. Because she ISN'T any other girl. She's the one I enjoy being around even when there's nothing to do besides lie there and listen to each other breathe. She's the one whose smile completely melts me and makes me actually feel proud and embarassed to have someone adore me that much (at least in the past). Most importantly, she is truly the first girl I could ever look into the future and see us older and happier. Both of us working hard and maybe with some kids and dogs and, most importantly, a lot of love in our lives.

And someone reading this might ask, "Well, why now? Why didn't you realize these things earlier or before it was too late?" I really don't know but I swear I'm going to do everything in my power to show this person who much I really and honestly cherish them. The delicate balance is doing so without coming off as overbearing but not too casual to imply I'm still in the same frame of mind or (gasp!) uncaring. I never again want to come off as someone who doesn't care when, in truth, I think I care about a lot of things more than the average person. I have passion in my body and I don't intend for that not to show again.

I want to backpack through Europe with you, Alison and maybe that will be a reward for us after I can get to you see that I am in love with you and really want to share every aspect of my life with you and, one day, make a life with you. I don't mean babies in that instance. I'm not going to be the boy who cried wolf. When something comes out of my mouth, I want you to be able to believe it 100 percent. Except for the one last hurtful thing I said to you. I know you didn't believe that, but when I didn't backtrack, I know it hurt all the same.

A long, long time ago...

I remember when I used to write a whole lot. For any reason, really. To express how I felt, to stoke my creative fire, in trying to woo women. Something nearly no one knows about me is that when I was in high school, I penned some poetry. Usually, when one recalls their first stab at anything, it's amateurish and obsequious to clearly defined guidelines.

Like when you first start playing the guitar, a nice three-cord song lets the musician get off the ground. Slowly building confidence and a mastery of the beginning so you can progress further down the rabbit hole. My first poems were similar in nature, but had a definable quality I no longer possess as a person.

My passion has been a dying fire for a while now. Also, I realized I would go to any lengths to make a female happy, mostly ones who had no interest in reciprocation. What's that called...unrequited love? Back to the task at hand... Where did that drive to please a woman just evaporate to? Anyhow, the fire is not completely unstokable, but it definitely needs some sparks or gas thrown on it pronto. A co-worker just told me to stay out of trouble as he was leaving work and I said, "That's all I seem to get into." The funny part is I'm sure I mean that, but in what way? In unrelated news, this blog has an auto-save feature for your rough draft so you don't lose great ideas. My Space needs to get on that immediately. I've lost moments of clarity I might never get back to malfunctions in cyberspace. As great as it is that we can store millions of words in a space 1/100,000 or so smaller than paper, pen on white is still the safest way to make sure that what you are saying gets heard.

There's two songs I'm hearing in my mind right now. "Clarity" by John Mayer and "Moment of Clarity" by Jay-Z. I think it's rather obvious what those two ditties share in common, yet in those moments of crystal clearness I feel some sadness. Not that anyone can see into the future (and, if they can, I just have a question or two for you!), but sometimes I can see the way things are supposed to unfold. Right now, I am not letting that happen. I need to go with the flow a little more and let my mind just be at ease.

Also, I had a pretty good time in Las Vegas. It was better than my first trip in some ways and not as good in others. The phrase, "You can't have your cake and eat it" made absolutely no sense to me...until now. For those who might read this, I love having my own blog with my own name so I would venture to guess I'm going to be on here more often. Peace.

Getting Started

I've always wanted a place devoted solely to pursing writing and espousing my idiocies online where everyone (maybe two people, tops) could read.

Nothing career-defining has happened to me lately, it's a slow time of the year for people who cover high school sports. Well, let me take that back. It's heating to a slow simmer, but won't be boiling for at least another two weeks when our high school football tab comes out.

As good of an idea I feel creating this blog was, I have nothing to write about. I suppose I just felt like penning something short and sweet to kick off this blog. I see there's an option to invite other bloggers, kind of like guest writers, and that's something I might be interested in once I get the hang of this and figure out actual topics.

I am not an expert on very many subjects, so there might be a lot of things about sports and video games on here at first. I'd really like to learn more about politics, so I can have an informed opinion rather than what I have now.

Last note: When I first typed the name of my blog, I wrote, "Uniformed Opinion". I liked that because it made me feel like a cop or a nurse. I'm glad I recognized the spelling looked amiss.