The boy who cried wolf and other stories I tell myself at night

There come proverbial crossroads in life. Not like what I should eat today or if I'm going to Las Vegas for an eighth time. No, these are the kind like, "Do I want to put in the hard work to show a girl that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her despite my past actions?"

That's a fantastic question and one I already know the answer to. Knowing what Point A and B are, though, are completely different than knowing how to get from one to the other. As I'm sure others can attest to, it's probably one of the more sobering realities to face when the one person who you could tell anything to and really leaned on more than you ever let on gets hurt by you and no longer makes herself available.

This time, it wasn't a case of me just coming to the conclusion that it was another bump in the road. This time when I messed up, I actually looked back at my whole history of relationships from the time I was 18 and saw one common link: Whenever I get too comfortable and the relationship is ready to move into the realm of greater committment, I'm like an elephant in a china shop who's seen a mouse. I get freaked out and start breaking up everything beautiful in sight. In the past, it wasn't as much of a problem because I was with girls who I really didn't see a long-term future with.

Now here is a girl I know in my heart and soul I want to be with for the rest of my life. It really is different this time and one of the ways I know this is because every time I screw up, all I want to do is make it all up to her. In the past, if I screwed up with a girl I didn't really care about, I'd just shrug my shoulders and not worry about it.

The difficult part is going to be keeping vigilant in the face of utter disinterest, I'm not saying my efforts to show her I care are working or not working. But I'd never know from her because I'm getting the stonewall of my life put up before me. Any interaction I've had is like being in a doctor's office and having his assistant coldly ask you what your symptoms are. I don't blame her for acting this way, yet it definitely kills me inside to know someone who unconditionally loved me was treated in such a way by me that she feels the need to be cold and composed.

Luckily for me (I guess), a flame still burns and it truly is stronger than ever. And you might be thinking, well what is truly different this time? I said earlier that I looked back on all my interactions with women since I was 18 and I know if I treat this girl like any other one, I deserve to lose her. Because she ISN'T any other girl. She's the one I enjoy being around even when there's nothing to do besides lie there and listen to each other breathe. She's the one whose smile completely melts me and makes me actually feel proud and embarassed to have someone adore me that much (at least in the past). Most importantly, she is truly the first girl I could ever look into the future and see us older and happier. Both of us working hard and maybe with some kids and dogs and, most importantly, a lot of love in our lives.

And someone reading this might ask, "Well, why now? Why didn't you realize these things earlier or before it was too late?" I really don't know but I swear I'm going to do everything in my power to show this person who much I really and honestly cherish them. The delicate balance is doing so without coming off as overbearing but not too casual to imply I'm still in the same frame of mind or (gasp!) uncaring. I never again want to come off as someone who doesn't care when, in truth, I think I care about a lot of things more than the average person. I have passion in my body and I don't intend for that not to show again.

I want to backpack through Europe with you, Alison and maybe that will be a reward for us after I can get to you see that I am in love with you and really want to share every aspect of my life with you and, one day, make a life with you. I don't mean babies in that instance. I'm not going to be the boy who cried wolf. When something comes out of my mouth, I want you to be able to believe it 100 percent. Except for the one last hurtful thing I said to you. I know you didn't believe that, but when I didn't backtrack, I know it hurt all the same.