I hung out with my cousin Andrew today. He is a great guy in a lot of ways. I guess I just get frustrated when he asks me to do things that I want no part of and somehow I still feel obligated to do it. In the long run, it's nothing too big but I don't see myself as a person who makes a habit out of lying. So to be asked to do so really sticks in my craw.
I feel we've both hit a crossroads though. We're both still relatively young but from talking to him, neither of us seems particularly happy. It's hard to pinpoint a reason why really. Maybe dreams unfulfilled. There is still time, however.
My sister's wedding is on April 18 and I am extremely excited for her. In a small way, it also feels like a benchmark of where I am at as far as maturing and, boy, do I feel woefully underdeveloped! I recently turned 27, broke up with my girlfriend of over three years and currently feel, oh, about a minimum of 10 years away from even getting married and I'm on the fence about having children. In so many ways, I am an enormous toddler.
I got to play with a 2-year-old today and it was one of the most fun times I have had in a while. At the same time, when it was time for him to go back to his parent, I definitely found myself relieved. But the spark is at least there. I just feel like the world sucks right now to bring any new people into. But that would be letting countries like India and China win. That's why our population is not growing very fast here and even the growth is not among people who I feel represent me. That is not even a racially motivated sentiment. It's more that poor and uneducated people seem to be the ones having children. I'm only slightly poor and somewhat educated, so if I were to have children, maybe I'm afraid of what category they'd fall into. If they'd be part of the problem or the solution.
I would like to visit new and exotic places but I don't know if I have the mental or emotional capacity to truly appreciate what I would be experiencing. I used to think I would want to take a trip to, let's say, England or France while I was still young. But I know I would get over there, not know what to see, what to do, feel out of place and miss the entire point. Plus, I don't imagine that to be the type of trip I take alone and currently, I am, so...
I am off tomorrow and I feel great about that prospect. Who knows if I will get called in or something, yet as of now, I am free.
