Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sometimes life is just life

Sometimes everything feels connected and other times, nothing does. It's either utter order or complete chaos.

I think the mark of someone who has truly learned from their mistakes is this: all people make mistakes during their youth. But do you learn from your past transgressions and become what is known as an "adult"? Or is it just a case of same shit, different day?

I know I'm sick and tired of the latter and I still haven't really embraced the former. So where does that leave me? In some mid-20s purgatory, maybe? Perhaps a limbo of some sorts?

When I write about my feelings, it is never with the intent to hurt anyone else. Yet when you've experienced a lot of different things and know that something you thought was this then is no longer that now, it's sobering for all parties involved.

I know from my experiences what I want out of life but on the other hand, I ponder whether or not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with can truly hope to know if that is what she really wants as well? It's not a case of doubt in my mind, I just know where I was at when I was 23 and either she's a much better, more introspective person than I ever was or maybe that's what comes through when our lives become emotional.

It's tough to talk in such vague terms but I want to let people know that the gears in my head are turning but not exactly what is being produced at all times. Every time I think I'm headed in some direction, I just get a little stymied by the overwhelming feeling that this is it.

That for the immediate future, I have such mundane things to look forward to like reading a sports magazine that comes every Wednesday or getting excited when someone responses to a trade I offered in a fantasy football league. I feel like I should be investing in something more substantial.

It's always been hard to explain to normal people the allure of Las Vegas to me. I think it's because Vegas is the polar opposite of my life. I'm not implying I'm a timid person, I don't think anyone who knows me would use that word to describe me. But I do feel reserved in a lot of ways, going through a daily grind.

The bright lights, fine dining, drinking, gambling, shows and overall debauchery that takes place when I'm in Vegas appeals to me in the sense that that is not how I want to live every day of my live. But every three months, it's a pretty damn nice change of pace. I'm not sure if it's a phase or something that will always be in my blood to some extent.

Contrary to what some people have presented to me in private conversations, I don't go to Vegas to have meet women or have sex. As odd as this may sound, that's not really what Vegas is to me. I like playing blackjack while drinking a beer, being at a really good table where everyone is having a good time.

I like going and eating scallops, crab legs, prime rib and a bunch of other things that probably aren't great for you in mass quantities.

I like seeing comedians or gravity-defying performances.

Those are all things you can do in every-day, ho-hum life. I'm not impying my life is insufferable, just that it's nice to have a break from it every now and again.

When I get married, I'm never going to think about having a divorce. But going away for a few days a year to have a vacation or something by myself is going to appeal to me still because that s the kind of person I am. I don't want to be around anyone 24/7/365 and that is something I already know is going to be a challenge for me when I marry.

People ask me, "How can you go to Vegas alone?" Read the above paragraph and you'll see why pretty easily. It's not that I'm antisocial or unfriendly. Sometimes I like having no plans or not worrying what someone else wants to do.

I like going to the movies alone for that reason. When that happens, I see what I want 100% of the time. I don't have to worry about sitting through something for two hours that I know going in I'm not interested in.

I also know that isn't how life does or even should work. Always being gratified at the expense of others is not right, just like always yielding to the requests of others isn't.

I'm really beginning to ramble and I lost any sense of direction I had but I'm not reading this before I post it because I don't want to edit my own thoughts.

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