The boy who cried wolf and other stories I tell myself at night

There come proverbial crossroads in life. Not like what I should eat today or if I'm going to Las Vegas for an eighth time. No, these are the kind like, "Do I want to put in the hard work to show a girl that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her despite my past actions?"

That's a fantastic question and one I already know the answer to. Knowing what Point A and B are, though, are completely different than knowing how to get from one to the other. As I'm sure others can attest to, it's probably one of the more sobering realities to face when the one person who you could tell anything to and really leaned on more than you ever let on gets hurt by you and no longer makes herself available.

This time, it wasn't a case of me just coming to the conclusion that it was another bump in the road. This time when I messed up, I actually looked back at my whole history of relationships from the time I was 18 and saw one common link: Whenever I get too comfortable and the relationship is ready to move into the realm of greater committment, I'm like an elephant in a china shop who's seen a mouse. I get freaked out and start breaking up everything beautiful in sight. In the past, it wasn't as much of a problem because I was with girls who I really didn't see a long-term future with.

Now here is a girl I know in my heart and soul I want to be with for the rest of my life. It really is different this time and one of the ways I know this is because every time I screw up, all I want to do is make it all up to her. In the past, if I screwed up with a girl I didn't really care about, I'd just shrug my shoulders and not worry about it.

The difficult part is going to be keeping vigilant in the face of utter disinterest, I'm not saying my efforts to show her I care are working or not working. But I'd never know from her because I'm getting the stonewall of my life put up before me. Any interaction I've had is like being in a doctor's office and having his assistant coldly ask you what your symptoms are. I don't blame her for acting this way, yet it definitely kills me inside to know someone who unconditionally loved me was treated in such a way by me that she feels the need to be cold and composed.

Luckily for me (I guess), a flame still burns and it truly is stronger than ever. And you might be thinking, well what is truly different this time? I said earlier that I looked back on all my interactions with women since I was 18 and I know if I treat this girl like any other one, I deserve to lose her. Because she ISN'T any other girl. She's the one I enjoy being around even when there's nothing to do besides lie there and listen to each other breathe. She's the one whose smile completely melts me and makes me actually feel proud and embarassed to have someone adore me that much (at least in the past). Most importantly, she is truly the first girl I could ever look into the future and see us older and happier. Both of us working hard and maybe with some kids and dogs and, most importantly, a lot of love in our lives.

And someone reading this might ask, "Well, why now? Why didn't you realize these things earlier or before it was too late?" I really don't know but I swear I'm going to do everything in my power to show this person who much I really and honestly cherish them. The delicate balance is doing so without coming off as overbearing but not too casual to imply I'm still in the same frame of mind or (gasp!) uncaring. I never again want to come off as someone who doesn't care when, in truth, I think I care about a lot of things more than the average person. I have passion in my body and I don't intend for that not to show again.

I want to backpack through Europe with you, Alison and maybe that will be a reward for us after I can get to you see that I am in love with you and really want to share every aspect of my life with you and, one day, make a life with you. I don't mean babies in that instance. I'm not going to be the boy who cried wolf. When something comes out of my mouth, I want you to be able to believe it 100 percent. Except for the one last hurtful thing I said to you. I know you didn't believe that, but when I didn't backtrack, I know it hurt all the same.

A long, long time ago...

I remember when I used to write a whole lot. For any reason, really. To express how I felt, to stoke my creative fire, in trying to woo women. Something nearly no one knows about me is that when I was in high school, I penned some poetry. Usually, when one recalls their first stab at anything, it's amateurish and obsequious to clearly defined guidelines.

Like when you first start playing the guitar, a nice three-cord song lets the musician get off the ground. Slowly building confidence and a mastery of the beginning so you can progress further down the rabbit hole. My first poems were similar in nature, but had a definable quality I no longer possess as a person.

My passion has been a dying fire for a while now. Also, I realized I would go to any lengths to make a female happy, mostly ones who had no interest in reciprocation. What's that called...unrequited love? Back to the task at hand... Where did that drive to please a woman just evaporate to? Anyhow, the fire is not completely unstokable, but it definitely needs some sparks or gas thrown on it pronto. A co-worker just told me to stay out of trouble as he was leaving work and I said, "That's all I seem to get into." The funny part is I'm sure I mean that, but in what way? In unrelated news, this blog has an auto-save feature for your rough draft so you don't lose great ideas. My Space needs to get on that immediately. I've lost moments of clarity I might never get back to malfunctions in cyberspace. As great as it is that we can store millions of words in a space 1/100,000 or so smaller than paper, pen on white is still the safest way to make sure that what you are saying gets heard.

There's two songs I'm hearing in my mind right now. "Clarity" by John Mayer and "Moment of Clarity" by Jay-Z. I think it's rather obvious what those two ditties share in common, yet in those moments of crystal clearness I feel some sadness. Not that anyone can see into the future (and, if they can, I just have a question or two for you!), but sometimes I can see the way things are supposed to unfold. Right now, I am not letting that happen. I need to go with the flow a little more and let my mind just be at ease.

Also, I had a pretty good time in Las Vegas. It was better than my first trip in some ways and not as good in others. The phrase, "You can't have your cake and eat it" made absolutely no sense to me...until now. For those who might read this, I love having my own blog with my own name so I would venture to guess I'm going to be on here more often. Peace.

Getting Started

I've always wanted a place devoted solely to pursing writing and espousing my idiocies online where everyone (maybe two people, tops) could read.

Nothing career-defining has happened to me lately, it's a slow time of the year for people who cover high school sports. Well, let me take that back. It's heating to a slow simmer, but won't be boiling for at least another two weeks when our high school football tab comes out.

As good of an idea I feel creating this blog was, I have nothing to write about. I suppose I just felt like penning something short and sweet to kick off this blog. I see there's an option to invite other bloggers, kind of like guest writers, and that's something I might be interested in once I get the hang of this and figure out actual topics.

I am not an expert on very many subjects, so there might be a lot of things about sports and video games on here at first. I'd really like to learn more about politics, so I can have an informed opinion rather than what I have now.

Last note: When I first typed the name of my blog, I wrote, "Uniformed Opinion". I liked that because it made me feel like a cop or a nurse. I'm glad I recognized the spelling looked amiss.