I awoke right around 2 p.m. Well, I woke up closer to 1 p.m. but had to convince myself today was worth leaving my bedroom for. I somehow decided it was and promptly got up and sat in my underwear to play video games on my couch.
After about 30 minutes of that, I came to the conclusion I was hungry and made myself an Egg McMuffin, an apple and some orange juice. Instead of bacon, I used sliced deli ham on the sandwich.
Eventually, my brother came over after getting home from school. He decided, after seeing me sitting around in boxers, that he wasn't feeling the scene and went to his house for a little bit. I went to grab my mail and received nothing of particular interest...except a notice that Bank of America saw fit to raise the interest rate on my credit card four percent and also make it a variable rate. I owe a little more than $100 on it and they gave me the option to decline the new rate as long as I didn't charge anything more to it. So I called the number, declined and proceeded to cut the card up.
After that, partially because I was disgusted and partially because I had been meaning to, I called Sears and cancelled that credit card as well. The only reason I got the Sears card was to buy my flat-screen tv with no interest for 18 months and I had already paid that off, so I saw no reason to keep it.
So then it was a little after 4 p.m. and I called a doctor I found through my health insurance network. I got her answering service and was told (rudely I thought) to call back tomorrow. I don't know, sometimes I feel people are short with me. I'm not sure if it is imagined or real.
I took a shower at about 4:15 even though I hadn't really done anything. For me with showers is the way people are about their morning coffee. I could shower the night before but I still wake up and don't consider my day started unless I let myself be beaten for 10 minutes with steaming hot water. After my shower, I was definitely in a better mood about the rest of the day.
I then put some clothes in the laundry and went through all the papers on my table, threw away expired coupons, looked over love letters, organized and kept important stuff. My brother came back over again at some point and we made the decision to go to the park to play basketball.
Anyhow, I was shooting the ball really well today. I'm not a bad shot normally but I was probably nailing 2 out of every 3 shots I took, including from 3-point land. The only problem was after about 45 minutes or an hour, I couldn't really play any more. I think I took so many shots that my neck was stiff from continuously looking up to shoot. Either way, we played one game and my team won, so I guess that perked me up a little.
Following that, I took my brother home and we threw the football around a little bit. Unfortunately, the annoying little kids that live next to my mom came over and broke up our football throwing after about 30 seconds. They first wanted to join in and then after that were trying to convince us we should throw around a hacky-sack instead of the football. Usually, I'm pretty easygoing when it comes to children but maybe it was being a little depressed and tired...I just couldn't do it. I booked after about 10 minutes and went home. The best part was getting in a few passes with Kenneth though. Perhaps it was from the basketball playing but I felt as light as a feather gliding down the street and running under some of the bombs my brother uncorked.
I was quickly brought back to reality, however, when I misstepped on one route and my left knee nearly buckled. I didn't get hurt but it is clicking now when I sit with my legs folded. If I weighed about 30 lbs. less and exercised more regularly, I doubt events like this would occur.
That was the beginning and end of the active part of my day. I came home and cooked a cheese calzone for dinner, finished off a gatorade and had some granola bars. I played video games, thought about how I am responsible for my own life sucking and then deciding to let people know that my life is really as boring as they suspected.
Oh yeah, I also watched In Bruges with Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes and Brendan Gleeson. It's about two hitmen who are told to hide out in Bruges, Belgium after one of them accidently kills a small child during a job. I really am not a fan of Farrell at all but he was extremely likable in this movie. He plays an Irishman, which he actually is. I won't give the movie away but it was entertaining and has sort of a surprise ending. It's one of the few movies on Netflix I've gotten lately that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Maybe I should watch more foreign films. The movie was shot on location in Belgium and had a decidedly European feel.
Attention: awkward transition upcoming.
My biggest fault as a person in a list of many is that I am not a creator, I am a destroyer. It's not enough that everything is good at points in my life. If I can't make it better, I seem to only want to make it worse. If you've gotten this far, you deserve a round of applause. Yet you're probably also wondering why I am this way? Well, I don't know myself but I intend to get to the bottom of it.
I had a perfectly beautiful, loving, smart, insert another 100 superlatives here, girlfriend that would have run through a brick wall for me. So I repaid over three years of us working to maintain our relationship by unceremoniously dumping her even though I knew I still loved her and most likely could spend the next millenium scouring the Earth for someone better and failing miserably.
So I am stuck in the unenviable position of having irreversably hurt the one person who knew me and cared about me more than anyone in the world and no amount of pleading, begging, appealing is going to get me out of this one.
In a way, I am glad from the perspective that she certainly deserves to have a more stable presence in her life. I don't want to keep dragging her back into a relationship and letting her down yet again.
On the other hand, I know if she were to ever marry someone else or have children with someone other than me (as sick as it sounds), a part of me would die, crumble, disinegrate, cease to exist. I feel like a monster to think that but that doesn't bother me as much as the realization of two paragraphs ago.
I've already noticed it in subtle ways. I don't have anyone to talk to online when I wake up most days. I don't have anyone who regularly e-mails me or calls me just to see how my day is going. I realize how I've never had a person that I've been so close to or even if I never dated said person, how good of a friend someone could actually be.
I have immediate relatives that didn't treat me as well as Alison did and I honestly don't know why, at this stage of my life, I can't see the repercussions of my actions before I commit them, It makes me ill and, like I said, this is make-or-break time for me. The love of a great woman is pretty fucking rare and I can ill afford to fall into a pattern of stupidity. I don't want to have these issues with me the rest of my life. I would like to be a stable person a woman can rely on consistently. I haven't always been a shitty boyfriend.
Enough about that for now. I deleted my facebook and my space. They were spectacular timewasters and I also realized that the people I most wanted to keep in touch with must have felt the same way because they rarely contributed. I thought for a few days if I started sending messages and updating more often, then it would be more fun. Conversely, it wasn't. My Space in particular, all I got on there any more was spam.
My sister's wedding is coming up soon and I'm happy for her and want to be there to support her. It's just so unbelievable though. I can't believe someone I know is getting married. I'm 27 and realized this is a natural step in life. But my mom or dad were never married to each other or anyone else during my lifetime. I've only been to three weddings, two of which were for people I actually knew. The third I went as the date of an ex-girlfriend and actually had a great time. Weddings can be pretty fun I guess.
I like what my sister is doing in the sense of having only like 50 people invited. If I could get away with it, I would try to have less.
Recently, I've been listening to Flobots a lot. They're an alternative hip-hop band from Denver that is pretty politically charged and differently musically than a lot of bands I've heard. I mean, there's some violin and trumpet mixed in there and my brother is convinced there is also french horn. I'm dubious about his proclamation because he's 16 and I'm not sure he's heard a french horn. About this, like many other things, I could be entirely wrong.
If you've actually read this far, I'd suggest listening to a song by them called Handlebars. It's not new music or anything, I think it came out in late 2007 or 2008. I just recently heard it, so it's new to me.
So that is what is going on in my life. I want to thank myself and blogger.com for allowing me to vent. Good luck and good night.
No comments:
Post a Comment